Without a doubt, the pastor—or elder—of your church serves as the spiritual leader and overseer. His role is an important one, simply because he will someday give an account to God for your soul (Hebrews 13:17).
But while Scripture is clear about the qualifications and expectations of a pastor, when it comes to t he role of his wife, the Bible offers no explicit job description. As a result, churches and individuals sometimes take it upon themselves to create their vision of the pastor’s “perfect partner.” This can be dangerous and even disastrous.
Here are 7 things your pastor’s wife (probably) wants you to know:
1. She has thoughts and opinions of her own.
Just as most husbands and wives don’t share identical opinions and beliefs in life, neither do your pastor and his wife. Believe it or not, your pastor’s wife probably disagrees on occasion with something your pastor says or decisions he makes.
So if—or maybe when—you don’t agree with your pastor on something, think carefully about taking your frustration out on his wife. Though she’ll probably never admit it to you, she may not agree with him either.
2. She hurts when her husband is treated unkindly.
Your pastor’s wife has no emotional superpower. When someone is rude or offensive to her husband—which is known to happen in ministry—she feels the sting of it the same way you hurt when someone is unkind to somebody you love.
Unfortunate for her is the fact she is probably discouraged from responding to it. Showing kindness in the face of disagreement is not only a biblical concept, but it is also a gift to your pastor’s wife.
3. She lives with unrealistic expectations.
Your pastor’s wife isn’t perfect, and she knows it. Just like every member of the church family, she needs to be discipled, cared for, loved … and forgiven on occasion. She makes mistakes. That said, sometimes people—including the pastor’s wife—have unrealistic expectations of her role.
The Bible actually says nothing about whether she should play the piano, speak publicly, maintain a beautiful house, or raise perfect children. And yet these—and other expectations—can be held for her (and even sometimes by her) unnecessarily. The greatest gift you can give a pastor’s wife is the grace to be herself and use the gifts God has given her to the neglect of those He hasn’t.
4. She shares her husband with an entire church.
Weekends … holidays … anniversaries … Church emergencies know little to nothing of a pastor’s personal calendar. Additionally, a pastor must be ready and willing to encourage or help members of his congregation whenever needs arise. Think of it. Most men must care primarily for the needs of their own family, but the pastor must care about the needs of his congregation—and sometimes these take time or energy away from his own family.
Yes, the pastor and his wife “signed up for this” and knew it would happen on occasion. But that doesn’t mean canceled trips or re-scheduled anniversary dinners aren’t disappointing on occasion. Your pastor’s wife is human.
5. She is lonely.
Your pastor’s wife may get a dozen texts or phone calls today (or more!), but most of them will probably involve requests, problems, or concerns. Often, people go to the pastor’s wife about things that really should be taken to the pastor. Even though she may be surrounded by a lot of people, she may not have many friends—and that probably isn’t her choice.
Note: Your pastor’s wife wants genuine friendships. She probably wants to establish roots in the church and community. And here’s the deal—she doesn’t need (or want) you to be perfect to be her friend.
6. She is more like you than you realize.
Chances are, your pastor’s wife has a lot in common with you. She faces the same struggles in marriage, parenting, working, and serving that you do. She fails and she gets back up. She must choose daily to spend time in the Word and lean on the sufficiency of Jesus … just like you. She has hopes, fears, struggles, and joys. The same truths that apply to all church members and to all wives apply to the wife of your church’s leader.
7. She loves you.
If she didn’t love you, her husband probably wouldn’t be your pastor.
She prays for you, rejoices over you, and weeps with you. And she loves you more than you’ll ever know.
